if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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