seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
