so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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