i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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