chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
