She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So much Jack, so little girl.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
