Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
