i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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