When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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