cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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