my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
