tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
