Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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