you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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