im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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