You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
