thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
