I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
