My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
