Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
