just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Duck Duck Cougar?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
