the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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