wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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