Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
