Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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