I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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