I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
