Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
