Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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