I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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