Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
