Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You pole danced in your parka.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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