I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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