last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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