so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
