i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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