Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
