ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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