just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
