y did u give ur computer a hand job?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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