listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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