the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
