life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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