I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The beer is more important than you right now.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
