Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Still dying that you shit outside
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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