I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
