matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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