woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
