We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
