I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
