I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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